I've always taken apologies lightly. I say the word sorry about a million times a day. I say the word sorry as frequent as I fix my scarf, or check my phone, or bite my chapped lips. I say the word sorry as a common courtesy. Out of habit. It has always been the first thing that rolls of my tongue when i do something I think is wrong, or embarrassed of, or just plain stupid. The word has been so commonly used I even apologized to a mannequin once- and a chair, for accidentally hitting them. And it wasn't like I was unaware of the fact that those objects were non-living things, I knew they were just objects, but I just had to say it. Im sorry. And what I've realized recently is that the word has been so overly used, that it invalidates the actual meaning of it.
"why are you always apologizing?"
To be honest, I don't know. I've just always had this fear of screwing things up, and I constantly tell myself, "you cannot make mistakes" " you cannot sound like an idiot" or "you cannot make a fool out of yourself". I just cant. The idea of me even being laughed at for asking a stupid question terrifies the living shit out of myself. I've just always felt obligated to present the best version of myself to people, even if sometimes it's not who I want to be. Maybe because I'm scared of disapproval. It's exhausting, always having to be so overly conscious of everything you do or say, just so you don't "offend" anybody.
And I think it's about time I stop. I don't want to live my life according to other people, or having to follow a certain standard way of living just because it's "normal". I would like to very much be comfortable in my own skin, that I've been living in for the past 20 years. I want to live life unapologetically. I want to able to make my own decisions and I want to speak my mind, and I want to do stupid impulsive things every once in a while and I shouldn't care about what other people think of me. I want to be selfish at times. I should be selfish at times. I should put myself first, because I am important. I don't get why sometimes people make such a big deal out of loving yourself. Loving yourself shouldn't be an issue to begin with. Being too selfless to the point that you're unhappy and miserable about your life, because you're way too busy fixing others- that's a bigger problem. And I know it'll probably take a while for me to escape from this habit of apologizing, but I'll get there. Im tired of saying sorry for things that Im not even responsible for. And Im tired of saying sorry on behalf of other people. It's annoying, and unnecessary.