Thursday, November 5, 2015

of over-apologizing.

I've always taken apologies lightly. I say the word sorry about a million times a day. I say the word sorry as frequent as I fix my scarf, or check my phone, or bite my chapped lips. I say the word sorry as a common courtesy. Out of habit. It has always been the first thing that rolls of my tongue when i do something I think is wrong, or embarrassed of, or just plain stupid. The word has been so commonly used I even apologized to a mannequin once- and a chair, for accidentally hitting them. And it wasn't like I was unaware of the fact that those objects were non-living things, I knew they were just objects, but I just had to say it. Im sorry. And what I've realized recently is that the word has been so overly used, that it invalidates the actual meaning of it.

"why are you always apologizing?"

To be honest, I don't know. I've just always had this fear of screwing things up, and I constantly tell myself, "you cannot make mistakes" " you cannot sound like an idiot" or "you cannot make a fool out of yourself". I just cant. The idea of me even being laughed at for asking a stupid question terrifies the living shit out of myself. I've just always felt obligated to present the best version of myself to people, even if sometimes it's not who I want to be. Maybe because I'm scared of disapproval. It's exhausting, always having to be so overly conscious of everything you do or say, just so you don't "offend" anybody. 

And I think it's about time I stop. I don't want to live my life according to other people, or having to follow a certain standard way of living just because it's "normal". I would like to very much be comfortable in my own skin, that I've been living in for the past 20 years. I want to live life unapologetically. I want to able to make my own decisions and I want to speak my mind, and I want to do stupid impulsive things every once in a while and I shouldn't care about what other people think of me. I want to be selfish at times. I should be selfish at times. I should put myself first, because I am important. I don't get why sometimes people make such a big deal out of loving yourself. Loving yourself shouldn't be an issue to begin with. Being too selfless to the point that you're unhappy and miserable about your life, because you're way too busy fixing others- that's a bigger problem. And I know it'll probably take a while for me to escape from this habit of apologizing, but I'll get there. Im tired of saying sorry for things that Im not even responsible for. And Im tired of saying sorry on behalf of other people. It's annoying, and unnecessary. 




The word "sorry" shouldn't be taken lightly, because eventually when you do need to use it- people wont take you seriously anymore. Like the boy who cried wolf. Think about it for a bit, you'll get the connection. eventually.

x

16 comments:

  1. I say sorry probably a hundred times a day. Even when someone steps on my shoe. Even when someone is in my way. When I first met my boyfriend he asked "why are you always apologizing?"
    I didn't have an answer to that, until I read your post. It really is exhausting, feeling like it's always your (my) fault. I want to feel like I'm right sometimes.

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    Replies
    1. i feel you. and i think its important to know when you are right, and owning up to being right. it's not fair that you have to suppress your thoughts just for the sake of someone else xx

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    3. Hal yang tidak pernah terbayankan kini jadi kenyataan kepada keluargaku,,,kusus untuk AKI SANTOJOYO kami ucapkan banyak terimakasih yang sebesar-besarnya kepada aki. karena berkat bantuannya alhamdulillah keluarga kami bisa lepas dari hutang dan masalah, karena nomor “GAIB” untuk pasang togel, hasil ritual AKI SANTOJOYO memang benar-bener merubah nasib kami hanya sekejap,dan disitulah aku berkesempatan kumpulkan uang untuk buka usaha kembali,karena rumah juga sudah disita bank,,warung makan juga sudah bangkrut,,tapi itu semua aku masih tetap bertahan hidup dengan anak istriku,,walau cuma ngontrak tapi aku tetap bersabar dan akhirnya AKI SANTOJOYO lah yang bisa merubah nasib kami..maka dari itu AKI SANTOJOYO orang paling bersejarah di keluargaku…!!!jadi kepada teman-teman yang di lilit hutang dan ingin merubah nasib seperti saya silahkan hub AKI SANTOJOYO di nomor: 085211599919 atau silahkan KLIK DISINI dan dengan penuh harapan yakin dan percaya insya allah apa yang anda ingingkan pasti tercapai.

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  2. well, i think that your behavior reflect who you are inside, in this scenario it's good thing. Nowadays people are ashamed to say sorry, but you're not and it's a good habits (personally speaking).

    anyway, you get to choose who you want to be.

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    Replies
    1. true dat. i feel like what frustrates me sometimes if the fact that people dont want to say sorry, and then theres me who's saying sorry all the time. its very imbalanced hha.

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  3. despite of having misjudging in certain meaning for the conception of the communication,some people including me having pointed out the word "sorry" as please or exactly to be care for the others condition,otherwise for me it's only powerful sniper to kill up the fearless or bad fear.

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  4. It's nice to see your writing again. I enjoy reading your thoughts. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. its nice to be back! (sort of back) (its more of a monthly thing lol)

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  5. Glad to know you know about this on your own. I had to relearn and re-evaluate myself because I had an argument with one of my closest friends about this habit of mine. It was because of a stupid fight, and I made my mouth ran off and say something that hurts her feelings. I was so keen on to saying sorry for so long, it had lost it's touch. It's meaning.
    Our friendship was falling apart because of this, so I decided to get away from her, before any further interruptions of my emotional well being crumbles the bridge of our already weak bonds.
    Now, I'm still trying to be less "sorry", and more "I'm not sorry".
    Just some 2 cents since your story really resonates with my situation. Thank you.

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    Replies
    1. omg i like that sentence a lot. "I'm still trying to be less "sorry", and more "I'm not sorry". " that shall be my new quote to live by hha.

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  6. (Hi, adibah. I know this sounds creepy but hi adibah. Been following and wanting to comment tp asyik tertangguh.)

    Kan. Langgar kerusi pun.. One of my friends got fed up with me saying sorry all the time and blurted "Hang boleh tak stop cakap sorry, bukan semua benda dalam dunia ni tanggungjawab hang, bukan semua benda salah hang pun." and.... I went
    "ok ok, sorry..." and she gives me deathly stares ^^

    My trainer always stresses on this when we're having a debate or a discussion. Some people (by some i mean, exhibit A *points to self*) tend to go "I'm sorry if this might sound offensive..." or "I might be wrong tho." and stuff.
    He went "Stop being so apologetic. Just let what you have in mind out and see where it brings this discussion to.."

    And I think this kinda relates to not being able to say no. When I started saying no, I notice I stopped saying sorry too. It was gradual tho. From "Ok i'll do it." to "Sorry can I not do it?" to "Sorry I dont think I can" to "Sorry I'm not doing it" to "No I wont do it and (im not sorry)." ok you get me. Tho like you said, it's good to say sorry, but use it sparingly lah kan, jgn smpi hilang value.

    Ok sajelah nak share. Bye

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