I once made a decision that made a pretty huge impact in my life. I decided to make videos to voice out my opinions. I decided to upload them on youtube. I decided to allow people to get to know me. I decided to expose myself to the public eye.
And this decision, I did not regret. I know voicing out my opinions was a part of my responsibility as a muslim, and I have a lot of thoughts needed to be expressed. But what I realized I couldn't handle was the pressure. The pressure of being observed every single time of the day, the pressure of having to do everything right, the pressure of not screwing up- or atleast not let people know that I screwed up, the pressure of handling all the comments, the compliments, the advices, the help, the hate- everything. I thought I could handle it, but I just cant. To be honest I'm not much of an open book. I'm not the kind of person who's comfortable with talking to just about everyone, I'm not so nice nor patient either. I'm not like all of those other vloggers/bloggers that you people adore. I'm different. I'm just a girl who was once lost (and sometimes still am) trying to find my way back and I would definitely make mistakes along the way. It's just that sometimes I feel like people can't accept the fact that I'm not a saint. Sorry to disappoint. But I'm doing my best, I'm trying.
I'm just tired. Not with doing da'wah and spreading whats right and what I'm supposed to- I'm just tired of dealing with the package that comes with it. It's like getting something's value pack. But the thing is, I don't want the excessive items I just want it's main content. I know I'm not supposed to complain, and I know Rasulullah has faced (without a doubt) a kazillion times more trials than I will ever face. But I dont know, I guess I just want to express the things I have in mind, the things I have been carrying around on my back, the things trapped in my heart.
This job, being a khalifah- is tiring. But worth it.
And I shall try my best to improve, but for the time being I just need some time alone with my Lord.